Isn't having my cake and eating it too kinda like a paradox?

I meant to update a lot sooner before now. But things happen, and before you know it it's been three days since your last post. As it is, I wasn't planning on updating right now - I should be in Chapel... but I forgot my school ID, and I don't plan on attending a semi-mandatory meeting (that I already have issues with) if I'm not gonna get credit for it.

Anyways, Saturday night was hard for me at work, but I managed to do very well (I'm still kinda surprised at myself). I packed my dinner, just like I had on Friday night. And I was happy to see that there were not any tempting samples in the sample box - it made things a little easier for me. What did NOT make things easier was that, in the stockroom right next to the phone (where I usually have to eat my dinner standing up), there wasa box of Krispy Kreme donuts. Apparently, our boss's birthday was earlier in the week, and since she had been absent from work that day, one of the other retail employees had brought donuts for all the retail people instead of cake.It was a sweet gesture and all, but it was certainly not good for me to try to stay on track. But I'll have you know, I did not have one bite of any donut in that box. Oh sure, I opened the box plenty of times, and I may have smelled the donuts (you think I'm kidding; I'm not), but I didn't eat one. It was really hard, because by the end of the night I was really hungry (and also really bored), but I knew that I did not need them. And even though I wanted them, I wanted to make progress this week even more.

Sunday was an okay day. I was over my points, but I counted every little thing I ate. It didn't start out that was, tho. I mean, I had good intentions, but it was a hectic day (after church, we went bowling with our kids in our lifegroup - I had only about an hour to get gas, run by the apartment, eat lunch, and get out to Franklin, which is usually a 20 min. drive at least). It didn't help that I forgot my journal at home, too. So after dinner that night, I sat down and wrote down everything I ate on a napkin. I even sat in front of the open pantry to make sure that I wouldn't miss anything that I nibbled on. Overall, I went 5 points over, which is fine because I definitely have the points to spend.

Yesterday was harder than most. I started the day strong - ate a small breakfast, had lunch about an hour and a half after that, and when I came home from school, I didn't feel hungry so I didn't eat. But then Tony came over, and we went to Wal Mart to do some food shopping. We were planning to cook something, but Anthony reserved the kitchen for him to cook dinner with Lora (which put me off, because I had no idea that was the plan), so we had to step back and punt. We got a frozen meal, and I thought all was well.

But then, right as we were about to leave the store, Tony said he wanted some cake. At first, I led him to the Weight Watchers desserts because we've both been enjoying them together, and I know I'll be able to stay on track. But he wanted something richer; he ended up deciding on a piece of cake from the bakery. I was looking at the cakes there too, and reminscing on how bad I wanted one, but Tony kept telling me - well, more like encouraging me - to go buy the WW desserts. Eventually, I gave in, but I was really upset. How dare he buy something that I can't have when he knows it's my weakness! Why would he do that to me?

But then I remembered that this was not his problem. My addiction to food and desire to eat is what has gotten me so far off track, and it's what's made me the way I am. I then got mad at myself, because I realize it's moments like these that have made me slip back into my old habits. I realized I should have been grateful to Tony, because he told me what I should be doing, and helped me keep my goals in sight. I apologized to him once we got in the car, and explained to him how I was feeling, and he apologized too for even buying the cake (which was sweet, but he didn't have to - after all, he can eat what he wants. He shouldn't have to suffer because of me).

We then went home. Anthony let me and Tony have the rest of the food that he and Lora didn't eat (they had Turkey Patty Melts, and had two left over that we cooked), so I wasn't so upset about not using the kitchen to cook something healthy. Then I did my EA Active workout for Tony - he's the one who got it for me for Christmas, and he wanted to see how it worked - and then we had dessert. He had his cake, and I had my WW Peanut Butter Cup Sundae.

Yesterday was hard, and not all of it was fun, but it made me realize something about myself. This journey to a healthy lifestyle is one that I have to do for myself. If I try to do it for anyone else, it's not going to work. I know this is something I've been telling myself for a while now, but last night it just really seemed to sink in. I can't depend on other people to hold me up and keep me on track - granted, that does help me a lot. But if that's the only reason I keep on doing this, then I'm doing it for the wrong reasons.

So today I'm asking myself: how important is being healthy to me today? Maybe if I ask that question everyday, my goals won't seem quite so far away on that horizon.